Target in MN winter

Wear your big, ugly boots so that you won’t slip and fall on your arse carrying groceries out to the car. And it’s OK if one of your pant legs is half in and half out of your boot. Really. We all know the reason why: you’re also wearing gi-normous mittens that make you look like a penguin. These mittens make it extremely difficult to not only find your keys in your purse, but to also fix your pant legs. However, the penguin mittens are warm and will save your fingers. And I assure you…it doesn’t matter that your boots are brown and your mittens are black. This is about survival.

Then, wear your hat. Style schmyle. Color schmolor. Hair schmair. As you pick out your “fresh” produce, your fellow shopper will smile and nod at you even if you have the worst hat hair ever. And why? Because they have hat hair too. But you also both still have ears. Definitely worth smiling about.

Be sure to have a Kleenex in your coat pocket. I realize you won’t be able to get to it until you take your penguin mittens off, but it’s essential. You won’t realize that your nose is running into your mouth until you’ve been inside for a good 30 seconds and stuff starts to thaw. Then you’ll need your Kleenex.

Don’t walk to the door. Run (another reason you wore your good-snow-traction boots).

Coat. Just wear the biggest, heaviest one you got, and I prefer one with pockets to at least hold your penguin mittens, if not your hat, scarf, and Kleenex. If your pockets are not big enough for all these forms of protection, you’ll need a large enough purse or murse (man purse) to stuff them in. Some people think the small top front compartment of a grocery cart will do just fine holding your stuff. Not so. First, H1N1. Germs, people. And you cannot get to the Purell with your penguin mittens on. Second, there are big holes and slots in that cart. Inevitably your scarf will drag on the ground, and your hat will fall, probably into a sludge puddle made by someone else’s big boots while they compared the prices of salad dressings. On my last trip to Target, I saw a pair of nice black, leather gloves sitting on top the canned mushrooms. Owner nowhere in sight. That’s what happens when you don’t wear a big enough coat or bring a big enough purse to stash them in.

Only buy items that you can carry out to the car in one or two bags. You do NOT want to push a cart to your car, unless you enjoy trying to maneuver four wheels through a foot of nasty, gray sludge—which can no longer be called snow because it is gray and half salt—while wearing a scarf, a hat, boots, and penguin mittens and not breathing. Obviously you won’t be breathing because the whipping, frigid wind takes your breath away.

Plan ahead. If Target is not your last stop before going home, do NOT, I repeat do NOT buy bananas. They will turn black in sub-freezing temps in no time. Also, you’ll probably want to steer clear of milk. Feel free to stock up on frozen veggies and popsicles though. If you are going home, buy anything you want, but again, only enough to fill two bags!

Once your home and groceries are safely on the kitchen floor awaiting unpacking, you’ve taken off your hat, scarf, penguin mittens, and boots (which required you to sit down and grunt), do a little jig because you don’t have to go through the hassle of grocery shopping again for at least a few days! And the jig will get your blood—which froze again on the way home—flowing again.

It’s important to note that the above Target routine is much more enjoyable and slightly easier with a buddy (it means four bags instead of two). It’s also probably more important to note that the above routine is--I can only guess--impossible with kiddos. So either don’t have ’em or don’t feed ’em.