Give yourself a break

Last week I told one of my friends to give herself a break. She had been running herself ragged, working long hours and getting little sleep. She was feeling guilty for not being able to make it to this get together. And I said, "give yourself a break." HA! This is actually hilarious.

Upon entering grad school I had to take a bunch of self assessments and then meet with a counselor. And the thing is, I’ve done these before, so I already knew what the results would reveal. And I’m guessing that many of my friends could tell me what the results would be too. And really, all I need to tell you is that all my book shelves are alphabetized by the author’s last name, and you probably know the results too. When I met with the counselor she said that I was very self aware. (Does that mean I get a discount on these tests I didn’t want to take in the first place?!) At the end of the session she told me that I maybe want to work on having more compassion. What?! My eyes went from my watch—is it time to leave yet?—to her. Excuse me? I have compassion! In fact, I have a lot of compassion! In fact I stress about not having enough compassion, which means I probably have enough compassion! She then continued though, not compassion for others but compassion for myself. Mouth half open to protest, I was suddenly speechless.

I’m hard on myself, always have been. I feel responsible for things I needn’t feel responsible for. I place crazy high expectations on myself in everything from academics and friendships to finances and my relationship with God. I’ve struggled with anxiety (for certain points in my life, this is a major understatement!). I stress about being 5 minutes late. I should really get an A, not a B+. Often, I hand-make the cards that I give to people—birthday cards, thank yous, congratulations. I actually feel guilty sometimes if I don’t have time to make one and have to go buy it at Target! Seriously. And if I forget to send one altogether?! Oh my gosh. (Believe me. I know my wiring is a little off, and I’m totally blaming mom for it.)

So there I am telling my friend “give yourself a break”? Who do I think I am?

I just finished reading The Shack by William P. Young. If you have not read, stop reading this blog, go to Barnes and Noble, purchase it and promptly begin reading. Anyways, I finished the book and a lot from it has been sticking with me. One thing being that I live in expectation instead of expectancy.

I live by my expectations for myself and for others, and when I do this, I set myself up for failure. Of course they’re not going to be met! I should be living in expectancy … expectancy for what God’s going to do today. For what He can do. For what He may do. That’s a life of hope and faith. Not one of frustration and disappointment, of to-do lists, watching the clock, and stressing out. If I lived in expectancy, instead of my own expectations, I bet that counselor wouldn’t have told me I needed more compassion on myself.

Psalm 5:3
Listen to my voice in the morning, LORD.
Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly.